So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
