Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize