I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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