if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
