i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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