I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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