I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
