He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
