Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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