I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
