My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
