Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
