I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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