I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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