The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
