i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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