i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
