I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
