lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
