I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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