i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
