Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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