you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
