He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
