I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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