so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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