Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
