omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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