Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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