what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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