I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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