So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
