someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Randomize
