Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
