new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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