I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
