yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
