it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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