wrigley field is MILF paradise
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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