I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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