Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
