The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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