Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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