Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hippo gnu deer
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
