All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i've created a new STD.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize