I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
