I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
