If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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