mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize