please come you make the beer taste better
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
