New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
