I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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