Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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