College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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