I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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