I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
