It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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