ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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