I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
