oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
