he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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