I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
