dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
