Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
