I heard we made out
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
