Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
