i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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