seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
